The theme song to the great show BLOG CAMP plays as the dashingly handsome host runs out to the stage. The Blog Camp participants eye each other warily as they take to the stage. Someone in the audience whistles, but he is quickly silenced by the security officer and dragged outside. The atmosphere is calm but something is definitely brewing...
The dashingly handsome host: Now. Before the final episode of Blog Camp airs, we have had many requests from the viewers regarding the reality of making this show happen. And we have decided to honor your right to some answers. The ladies are here ready to take some questions. Who would like to start?
One bloody hand rises.
The dashingly handsome host: What is your name? Yes, you in the fur hat and sunglasses. And the green face paint. Yes, the woman carrying around the severed head of a beloved neighborhood postman. I'm pointing at you.
spudballoo: Erhm. ...Spud? Yes, Spudballoo. SPUD! SPUD BALLOO-oo-OO. Sing it OUT!
The dashingly handsome host: Yes, let's calm down now miss and try not to spill the blood like that. You have a question to these brave ladies Ms. Spud? Balloo-oo-OO?
Spudballoo: Why, yes I do-OO-oo. I would like to know whether it is just me or do you all look like sisters?!!!
There is a hush amongst the audience. It is obvious the person posing the question has not read the coverage concerning what is known as the licking feud between julochka and Extranjera. julochka is being represented by Seaside Girl, whilst Extranjera has engaged the services of Polly. Court documents have been sealed. Judges have been, ahem...shall we say...greased.
The dashingly handsome host: Erm. Now who would like to answer this? jjj....? E-extranjera? Please?
Extranjera raises her axe, but as if to only scare the host. She glances at her fellow stars. There is tension in the air.
Extranjera: We look nothing alike. On purpose. Early on, Blogger sent out a memo on how the Blog Camp cast was to be like the Sex and the City group of women: each different, each with their own special sort of look, each making their own daring fashion choices, each having their specific quirks... The cast was chosen because all of the women were naturally like this and the choice had nothing to do with alleged sponsor deals. We are all different, yet we are like sisters.
J asks, in a very quiet voice that no one thought her quite capable of, "i'm carrie, right?"
There is some confusion in the audience as Extranjera appears to be reading from a prompt and the other ladies wave about their Converse All Stars and Starbucks mugs.
The dashingly handsome host: Thank you for that, Erhm Extranjera. Now, onto someone else. What is your question? Hello! Yoohoo! The lady in the white coat. Stop passing around the bags of pills and ask your question please. (Also, the producers would like for you to wait with the dealing until the end of the taping of this segment and Harry from lighting would like some more of those blue pills).
rxBambi: Hello everyone. let me just tell you I'm a big fan, a big fan, like a really big fan. I love you all! But I really need blogger impressions versus real life impressions?
The dashingly handsome host: Well, Kristina? Would you like to take this one? Yes? I know the knife weighs heavily on some nerve endings right now, but please. For the fans?
Kristina turns her head slowly, making the light flicker on the blade sticking out of her head. She has the faintest smirk on her face.
Kristina: I think we all agreed that we found the others very much like their blogs, even though there are of course some things that are surprising. Extranjera's niceness, for example.
Someone in the audience gasps, but Extranjera seems to not have been listening. People in the audience nervously shuffle their feet, someone sobs quietly.
rxBambi: Oh, oh, oh, I forgot. Please! I forgot to ask for pictures of shoes, but how were they?
The dashingly handsome host: You are in luck lady. We have prepared a little, how should I say, ode to the shoes...
(nice stains, J)
rxBambi: Oh, oh, oh, I have one more! Please mister host. I have one more superimportant question. Here it comes: Who was the most similar to what you thought they'd be like and who was the most different?
The dashingly handsome host: Well, thank you for your insightful questions Mrs. xrayBambi, but let's give someone else a chance too, why don't we? Eh? But just this once: B, would you have something to say about this?
B looks up a little dazed. She has been zooming in with her Nikon into her pretty yellow shoes. The audience sits patiently while B tries to focus her eyes, without the help of her camera. julochka snarls at licks Extranjera (platonically on the cheek). Extranjera breaks out in hives.
B: Julochka was the most similar. Just like her blog. Spooky! And Polly was the most different and we love both Pollys, and although Polly isn't her real name, we have decided to call her Polly anyway!
The dashingly handsome host: Thank you B. We all know how hard it is for you to keep your eyes open without the help of your camera.
The dashingly handsome host: Sad but true. And, onto other questions. I have been told that we have someone special in the audience. Someone related to Extranjera.
Audience looks around bewildered. Everyone is looking around for one thing - a person with an axe.
The dashingly handsome host: Yes, indeed Extranjera's siamese twin is here in the audience today. VEG please stand up and ask the ladies your question. I think it's Seaside Girl's turn to answer?
A small-headed woman wearing a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses over her actual glasses raises a largish yellow axe. She lets out a powerful scream. The seats around her empty quickly.
VEG: Hello everyone. Don't be afraid. I would never cut down with an axe anything that is alive. I prefer a knife. Also, what was the best story of the weekend?
Seaside Girl lets out an involuntary giggle and rushes to tell the story she has in mind. The axe she is holding seems almost an extension of her.
Seaside Girl: The best story of the weekend was when julochka's friend accidently let slip that husband was well known for opening champagne bottles by slicing the cork off with his sword. The fact that husband had a sword had hitherto not been mentioned. Nor was the fact that he was pretty darned accurate with it. We all blanched slightly at the thought that the whole axe murderer thing might be a double bluff and actually husband was a sword wielding maniac instead. So glad he turned out to be neither....
The dashingly handsome host: Thank you Seaside Girl for sharing that story. Erm...What fun indeed. Now, VEG you mentioned there was something else on your mind as well. Something you had really, really pondered about.
VEG: Yes, I asked my sister, but she only said she didn't know, and this is something that is really, extremely important to me personally. I would like to know whether anyone snores?
Everyone can feel something big is about to erupt. A scandal perhaps.... B closes her eyes and chants softly to herself. Polly joins B's chanting and a beautiful harmony is created only momentarily broken by Seaside Girl's giggles and a soft moan from Kristina. julochka and Extranjera have not broken stare for minutes now. Finally B looks up.
B: We were lucky enough to have our own rooms. And Seaside Girl was the luckiest, as she got to sleep in the blue room.
Seaside Girl shrieks loudly.
The dashingly handsome host: Now, ladies, use your inside voices please. Remember what the producer-man said. Think about it. There are some more questions. How about you? What is your name? And what would you like to ask the campers?
Elisabeth : Hello, all! My name is Elisabeth and I would like to know how breakfast was? Did julochka's husband rise early to get something nice and fresh from the bakery?
All the ladies' nostrils flare, it is as if at the mention of coffee they smell and crave it. The host knows he has to act fast before all coffee-related hell breaks loose. Extranjera runs off the stage with her arm extended and her Starbucks cup in hand. B is visibly torn between leaving the stage on Extranjera's heels and staying to answer the question. B manages to resist the pull of the imaginary coffee. Extranjera can be heard backstage wreaking havoc. julochka relaxes and waves at husband and Sabin in the audience.
B: Fantastic! Plenty of coffee, and lots of cheeses and pastries whose names some of us couldn't pronounce but loved anyway! Husband was fantastic! He went to the bakery every. single. day.
Elisabeth turns towards julochka who is blowing kisses at the blushing husband. Polly and Seaside Girl wave at Sabin, before waving their axes at each other and smiling.
Elisabeth: How is your husband anyway, did he survive all these blog-girls?
Husband looks as if he is looking for the quickest exit. Julochka lowers her axe she has been using to blow kisses with and turns to answer. Kristina moans again and longingly looks at julochka's flowery Converse All Stars.
Julochka: well, long-suffering husband couldn't really say much about it, could he. because the whole thing was his idea, tho' i don't think he was quite that grey before the weekend. and there's the part where when we first got home, he did try to lock us out of the house, saying it was closed until 2010...i wonder if he was trying to tell us something with that...
The dashingly handsome host: Julochka. Nice of you to join us in your spirit too. Don't we all just wish you and Ext could settle this thing. What do you say audience?
The audience looks baffled as the prompt reads "applause". No one moves a finger. A pregnant silence ensues, until one woman raises her hand. People next to her cover their noses. A strong odor of rosemary, ginger, lemongrass and orange fills the air. An old lady collapses.
The dashingly handsome host: Do I smell the Blog Camp Blend? You must be the Fragrant Muse? Do you have a question?
Several other people collapse and some flee to the other end of the rows of seats from TFM. The host covers his nose.
The Fragrant Muse: Oh pshaw. So I like to take essential oil baths. You get used to the smell. Just wait and see how calm and creative this blend will make you. From you women, I'm wishing for auditory peeks into the weekend - like how everyone sounded. Tell us about the various accents heard this weekend.
Polly jumps up from her seat. This is the question she has been waiting for. She holds up her axe and lets out a battle-cry. Kristina moans again and her dog, Vigdis, lets out a sympathy bark, as do julochka, Seaside Girl, and B. Extranjera is nowhere to be found.
Polly: yeah!!! aiii!!! Everyone was loud! Pretty much all the time, yeah!! Like this! Hurray! Go-OO bloo-OO-og camp!
Dashingly handsome host raises a hand to quiet overexcited Polly who doesn't want to sit down and two dashingly handsome, possibly Danish, bodyguards need to be called to calm her down.
The campers remaining on the stage stare at the Fragrant Muse with apprehension. There are certain things they don't want to talk about. There are things no one is to talk about. Could this be about blackmail...?
The Fragrant Muse: Did anyone get a tattoo?
Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, and Seaside Girl patiently expects someone to ask her about her tattoo. No one does. Julochka, Kristina, Polly and B scream in unison.
The Campers: We forgot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The dashingly handsome host: Ladies, inside voices. Don't make me tell you again... Now, there has been a question that has been asked by several of our viewers who wish to remain anonymous. I have been told they are unwilling to take up this issue in person. However, Blogger feels the issue needs to be raised.
What exactly did Extranjera crochet?
The dashingly handsome host: No one knows. Sadly, no one knows. No one. Not even Extranjera herself.
Several people in the audience nod their heads. An air of sadness and loss permeates the room. Suddenly a young woman barges in. She is out of breath and carrying a tiny dog. She brandishes the dog in front of her as if it were a symbol of some bygone era.
Fidgeting Gidget: Am I late? Oh no! I need to know something. Did you all refer to each other by your real names or your bloggy aliases....because once I know someone as one name, it's really hard for me to switch.
The dashingly handsome host: Oh, okay. This is not scripted... What? Oh. Who? B? Yes, B will answer this question.
Seaside Girl smiles knowingly. Had she bribed this person to barge in, in hopes of creating a distraction? Where have julochka's shoes disappeared to? And her Starbucks cups, her Nikon, her Mac? In fact, what exactly has happened to Extranjera? Seaside Girl places a large backpack behind her chair and whistles. She twirls her axe with ease and strength.
B: This was a mix! I think we used Julochka's and Seaside Girl's real names most of the time. Kristina was the easiest one, no confusion there! B and my real name alternated. We all tried to call Ext by her real name but it was too hard to pronounce. And we all called Polly, Polly, even thought that's not her real name. But she liked it!
The dashingly handsome host: Thank you! Ladies you are free to go.
Campers scatter like cockroaches.
And that my good folks is it for today.
Disclaimer: Thank you Kristina for putting all the questions together. Please don't blame her for the final result, but instead direct all of your complaints to Extranjera, but she'd rather you didn't complain. Thanks.